I'm a Sinner

There is no one more surprised than I that I'm making that statement. Don't get me wrong, I've looked at my truths for long enough - the choices I've made that I'm not proud of, the choices I wouldn't make again, the opportunities for growth and learning I've experienced along the way....yes, yes....but a sinner? I've always had an emotional response to the phrase sinner and the idea of begging God for forgiveness has always made me feel distinctly uncomfortable.

Recently at the Casa of Dom Inacio I helped a man write a note for the prayer basket. Mark is in a wheel chair with very little control of his body and it's almost impossible for him to write, so when I saw him painfully trying to write a note I offered to help. As he dictated his words I could feel a deep pain and sadness arising in my heart - he was confessing himself a sinner and begging God's forgiveness. All I wanted to do in that moment was hug him and tell him God surely loved him and forgave him all, if only he could love and forgive himself. So as soon as I had finished I politely excused myself and went home to cry! The pain of seeing someone believe themselves to be a worthless sinner was an emotional experience for me.

Then there are the prayers in the Casa, often times spoken by those apt to preach. Each time we are to call our brothers and sisters sinners and beg for their forgiveness something inside me contracts!

So there they were, my little signs along the way, highlighting my emotional charge, showing me I had something that I needed to look at. But I still didn't see it coming!

I have, however, been actively working on releasing my self judgment and transmuting the associated emotions of guilt and shame. Yesterday I had a shift with some tears of release and received the inner guidance 'above all be kind and gentle to yourself'. Wonderful I thought. So today I sat in current with an empty and open mind. I was surprised therefore when at some undefined moment during the current I became aware of an inner statement arising..... 'I am a sinner'.....there it was .....announcing itself as clear and as loud as day........'I AM a sinner'! Wow! The moment of acceptance is now somewhat vague, buried somewhere in that deep state of meditative silence, however the statement arose and stayed there until I recognised it and accepted it as mine.

However, the most surprising thing of all is not the statement itself but what it came with...... it came with the most unimaginable feeling of JOY!!!!

As I sat and did the work of dispassionately integrating the archetypal roles of Saint and Sinner an unimaginable feeling of lightness and joy arose. I felt I was spiraling with joy, like a dolphin at play. I wanted to stand up and sing and dance and tell the whole world about it. I just couldn't stop smiling!

I think on a deep cellular level there's a recognition that in fully accepting and integrating all seeming opposites, pushing nothing away, we are continuing our journey home to wholeness, to Unity! Embracing duality is the road to unity!

So yes, I am a Sinner.... and I am a Saint, for truly I am All things!

In love and acceptance of ALL,
Bari xxx

p.s. to Mark, the prayer preachers, and to all those who have allowed me to play the role of sinner in this lifetime I say thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!