Re-defining Friendship in 2012

Recently a beautiful being wrote to me expressing her truth that she felt I was an unreliable and inauthentic friend. What a blessing she offered me with those words!!! Since my initial in breath and step back I have been on a fascinating journey of self discovery and soul searching.

What is friendship? How do we individually and collectively define it? What is expected when the honour is bestowed upon you? Does it have to be reciprocal, what are our unspoken terms when we enter into this agreement? And more importantly how is that all shifting and evolving in these times of rapid change and growth.

Personally my first realisation was I am not the 'friend' I used to believe myself to be. I once viewed myself as reliable to a fault and ridiculously loyal - always available, always putting everyone else first, always the great listener, such a rock!!!! Well now I look, ummm......something has shifted......or perhaps it never really was?

I used to understand friendship and basked in the warmth of having a BEST friend! I had the same 'best friend' for over 20 years, she was the one who knew all my dark secrets, saw me at my best and worst, shared all the highs and lows of life. Our lives ran parallel for a long time, career girls progressing in the corporate world, love & relationships coming and going, charting the seas of life knowing the other was always there to help navigate when the seas got choppy. But then I left the corporate world to sail a new ocean, and slowly our parallel lives started to diverge.

And then there are those we connect with through shared circumstances, shared experiences. The people we connect with through our daily life, often times work friends, the ones we celebrate getting through another week with. Or perhaps the ones we sweat with through those grueling yoga classes. It seems shared experience is a bonding process. And some of these friendships develop and grow outside of the shared experience and some fade naturally as our lives move on.

Is friendship then like the leaves on a tree, a seasonal experience which has it's own natural cycle? What happens when we start moving through experiences and circumstances much quicker, when we move through the work place setting more rapidly, when we move around our country and even the world without a second thought? Has friendship moved onto a cyber and global scale with the likes of e-mail and facebook? How do you maintain friendship when you can't even maintain e-mail connection - the obvious answer might seem to be with effort...but....really, is that it?

I once sat with a group of people and the shaman teacher looked straight at me and announced in front of everyone that I was detached! He said it without judgment, a simple passing comment, a reflection out loud. And that's how I received it, and I simply thought 'oh, he does see'. Now my wonderful room mates , my new friends, immediately leapt to my defense telling him he was wrong - I was so loving and open how could he possibly say that, I was a joy to be with. And there we have it I realise, my truth was already before me all that time ago. Of course they were both right! To the girls I was fully present in the moment, open and loving and very happy to be there. Yet I already knew I was not attached to that shared experience, that I would walk away when our course was finished knowing and trusting I was walking out and into other beautiful opportunities to be present with people.

So I wonder how much of friendship is motivated from our fears...our fear of suddenly finding ourselves alone one day, our fear of not being lovable or not being accepted, or our belief that we will not be able to cope with what life throws at us? And what part of friendship comes from Love, from being fully present with another in the moment asking nothing in return? Our old paradigms certainly would have us believe we need friends, it is a basic human need after all isn't it? Or is that all part of the fear picture we have been lead to believe, part of our belief in separation? How are friendships going to transform as we come into Unity Consciousness, into Oneness with all, as borders between 'my friends' and 'not my friends' disappear along with other borders like 'my country, my people, my religion'. What happens when we open our hearts equally to all?

One of the most pivotal moments in my life was the moment I realised my beloved partner did not love me exclusively, above all else. I was shattered!!!! I put him first, I loved him above all else, wasn't that what we'd agreed to on some unspoken level . But no, he put himself before me and I was left with the painful realisation I had given him full responsibility for my happiness, and he hadn't accepted it! Of course this was another blessing on my journey of awakening, my journey home to the One Self. Finally, after a few years of grief, I got it! I was seeking in the wrong places!!

So, whether it is through friendship or partnership we seek to complete ourselves, to feel safe, to feel loved, I think now of the words of Sai Baba:

''Your deepest innermost urge is to return to yourself - to love yourself to become the BEING, the AWARENESS, and the BLISS, which is all you will ever be. Let go of the past, stop trying to get from each other what you still think you are missing. You will never find anyone who is enough; not even Me. Love yourself, know yourself - Only YOU will ever be enough!''

So am I an unreliable friend, Yes, in the traditional sense I am. This is the gift I have to offer! And I hope to share many more beautiful moments of friendship like this with One as All.

One heart, One Love,
Bari xxx

p.s. I say thank you to the true friend who started this journey for me. I say thank you to her for her willingness to be present, open and honest with me, and for offering me the opportunity to discover and express my own truth in this moment.